Blue Coffee Cup: Broken
by mysterymuse
Summary: Companion piece to Blue Coffee Cup. A post-Watershed AU. Beckett accepts the DC job and breaks it off with Castle. But is it what her heart really wants? Can she fix what's broken?
1. Chapter 1

_Coffee is symbolic for those two characters, no matter who brings the coffee, her or me, it's like this is our Good Morning Kiss - a way of saying without actually using words: 'Good morning, my heart. How are you doing_ '- Nathan Fillion

* * *

The cup had traveled with her to DC, but she had never unpacked it, afraid of the onslaught of emotion it would bring on if she started thinking about all the moments tied to it. And now she was back home, in her old apartment, which had been on lease since she left for DC.

DC. She had liked it and even tried living and working her way into the groove of a new job. Only, it felt wrong every time she worked a case. Not only the setting, but the people, no matter how cunning and intelligent they were, were different with their protocol-driven detecting and narrow-minded thinking. It was a strange deviation from her usual throwback of out-the-box theorizing with her old team. She could've thrown herself into the career and put her quick wit and fierce tenacity to use, but all too late she realized her heart wasn't in it.

 _The heart wants what the heart wants_ echoed in her mind as she re-packed the small amount of belongings she'd accumulated in DC, after quitting the job that had changed everything. It played in her head on the plane, and again as she pleaded for her old spot back, which Gates grudgingly, but gracefully let her accept. Completing a mountain of paperwork hadn't hurt either. Ryan and Esposito had been a different story, giving her disapproving looks when they thought she wasn't looking and never really talking to her face, but as the weeks slipped by, jokes and smiles began to fill the cracked silences and awkward moments. Bit by bit, she had her old team back. Well, not all of it.

She was unpacking the last of the boxes, when she noticed one last item, peeking out of the newspaper loosely wrapped around it. That damn cup. She picked it up, shaking away the paper and glided her fingers over the smooth surface, thinking how everything about it reminded her of him.

The engraving of his love on the bottom, the grooves and curves rounding their way around the cup sparked the thought of how well their bodies had fit together, the smooth handle and rough porcelain of how his silky lips and scruffy cheeks had felt, the blue of his twinkling cerulean eyes, and the faint smell of espresso of all the coffee he'd brewed for her, always rich with flavor, creamy, and warm. No one had made coffee like him. No one had loved her like him.

Shit. She was getting sentimental. She shook her head, trying to clear her thoughts, but the ring on her neck caught her attention, the new addition that sparkled in the dull light next to her mother's. She pulled it out to stare at it once more, thinking of how she'd gotten it.

 _The world shrank around her and all she saw was his serious and calm face; his eyes pleading and scared. Time had stopped and all she could hear was the thumping of her racing heart pressing against her ears. She couldn't think; still running through the draining emotions of the day and him. He wanted to marry her._

" _Castle," she finally whispered in awe, flickering her gaze between the flawless diamond and his face, slightly panicking at his solemnness._

 _She'd expected a break-up. Not a proposal._

 _She thought there'd be nervous butterflies and shy, tentative smiles when this happened; a certain joy and silliness that would've been theirs and them. Not this; where the echo of their fight was cloying the air with loose ends and unfinished apologies. Not like this._

 _She echoed her thoughts as she pushed, "Castle, not like this," into the growing silence, her voice breaking._

 _He continued to stare at her stone-faced, ring gripped tightly in his hand._

 _She scurried down from the swing to join him in his kneeled position on the ground, and grabbed his face, making him look at her._

" _I love you." She leaned in, forcefully kissing him to prove her point, tears silently trailing down her face._

 _He caught up with her half-way and fisted his hands in her hair pulling her in tighter, attacking her mouth hungrily before ripping himself away._

" _Kate, I mean it," he choked, his voice raw with emotion. Still clutching her hair, he untangled his fingers, and wiped away her tears with a gentle swipe of his thumb, adding a chaste kiss on both cheeks before finding her eyes again._

 _She thumbed the collar on his shirt, looking down at the threading as if it were the most interesting thing in the world. She was nervous. He seemed so sure. "Castle, I love you, and I want to be with you, but DC is a whole different territory."_

 _His eyes flashed with something indescribable. "You got the official offer?"_

 _She nodded her head slightly, watching him carefully, his face impasse._

" _And you accepted." He stated, knowing the answer from the look in her eye._

" _I was going to tell you, and then I thought you were going to br-"_

" _Break-up with you?" he finished, disbelief evident in his tone._

 _She nodded her head, avoiding his gaze, as he suddenly gripped her into a crushing hug._

" _No, never," he whispered, laced with emotion._

Her phone rang, bringing her reminiscing to a halting stop. She blinked her eyes a few times, before mechanically slipping her hand into her coat pocket and grasping the cool edges of her cell. Pulling it out, she saw the precinct's caller ID flashing on the screen and quickly slid ANSWER across its surface. A few garbled words from Esposito let her know there had been a murder. She murmured a few words in response, confirming the address, before hanging up and running a hand through her hair with a sigh. She pushed Castle to the back of her thoughts. She had a case to solve.

"What've you got for me, Lanie?" Kate addressed her friend, tone clipped and professional. She and the ME were on good terms, but Kate wasn't in the mood for cheery hellos.

Lanie noticed, and gave her a questioning eyebrow, mouthing _what's up with you?,_ but Kate shook it away, instead nodding her head at the victim.

Lanie gave her a look, sighing. COD was three bullets to the brain, and based off of lividity and temp, she assessed TOD between 9 and 11 PM.

Ryan and Esposito ambled over, giving her the scoop on the vic's ID, Brent Walters aged 31, and mentioned they'd found the shell casings from the three GSWs lodged in their vic's skull, scattered behind some bushes about 10 yards away.

Beckett nodded absently, eyes automatically scanning the scene for any abnormalities. She did a quick survey of the crowd of onlookers and her heart stopped as she locked contact with a particular set of blue eyes.

Electricity zapped through her veins and her heart pumped faster as she hungrily drunk in his presence. He looked good, but tired, as if he hadn't been sleeping well. His hair flopped messily over his forehead, and he was carrying a five o'clock shadow. A flannel and jeans adorned his frame, different from his usual dapper attire. Her inspecting eyes stopped short at his glaring gaze.

His penetrating stare unnerved her, so she broke it off, feeling horribly guilty as she turned her back on him.

"Lanie," she delivered nervously, voice dripping with panic. Her friend looked up hurriedly and quickly found the source of alarm as her gaze found the large figure of Castle, decorating the edge of the pushing, eager mass.

"Lane, what do I do?" Beckett pleaded.

"Did you ever tell him you were back?"

Kate shook her head solemnly.

"Girl, I'm gonna smack you. You come back, mostly for him, and it's been what? Two months since? I highly suggest you hand this one over to the boys and get your ass over there."

Kate furrowed her brows as if that had been the last answer she'd wanted to hear, but nodded slightly and took a deep breath, steeling herself.

"Ry? Espo?"

The boys snapped their heads in her direction. "Yeah. Yo." They replied simultaneously.

She smiled slightly.

"You guys take point on this one, I have some personal issues to deal with," she explained honestly, clutching her necklace looped with her rings protectively.

They looked at her concerned and mildly confused, before catching Lanie's pointed stare at Castle. Understanding dawned on both their features, and they both flashed her encouraging smiles and a thumbs up before slipping away to canvass.

"What are you doing here?" she demanded a bit too forcefully. Not at all how she'd planned on greeting him after months of radio silence.

She saw him flinch at her tone, his mouth settling into a frown.

"I could ask you the same question," he replied stonily, matching her budding anger. His hands fisted at his side and his body visibly stiffened. "How long?"

"Can we talk about this somewhere else?" she asked, sensing his overwhelming anger.

"Damnit Beckett, how long?" he almost shouted.

She cringed slightly. She'd been avoiding this for so long, and now her worst fears were coming true. _Stupid. Stupid Beckett._

"Two…." She trailed off afraid of his reaction, but steamed on at his sharp glare, "Months. I've been back two months," she stated clearly, now confident; ready to face the consequences.

He blanched his face awash with a gamut of emotions. Hurt. Pain. Sadness. Anger.

Her heart broke. "I'm so sorry."

"No. Don't be," he threw back, "I'm used to it."

It was her turn to get angry. "That was low, Castle," her voice wavering with unshed tears.

"What? You get shot; you don't call for three months. You get a new job and move. You leave and don't bother to call once you get back? No, I got your message. Loud and clear. It was nice seeing you, Beckett. Maybe in another two months, you'll feel like getting in touch."

He turned around and disappeared into the pulsing swarm of people, leaving her stunned and broken.

She wanted to call after him, but he was already gone. God, when had all this turned into such a mess?

 _They'd driven to the loft in a steady silence, the proposal and his fierce promises of forever resounding in her ears._

 _The ring had found its way back into the depths of Castle's pocket as it became clear an engagement wasn't imminent. They'd agreed to talk more about it when they got home. Home. The loft._

 _The scrape of the key unlocking the door was the only sound of their arrival as they both silently shuffled through the door, removing jackets and toeing off shoes without preamble._

 _They drifted over to the living room space and stood staring awkwardly at the other._

 _Castle slipped his hand in his pocket and extracted the ring, again, holding it out to her._

" _At least keep the ring. It's yours."_

 _She panicked. "No, Castle. I can't."_

" _You can and you will." He stated, ending further argument by placing the ring in her hand, and gently curling her fingers around it._

 _She looked at him, anguished, as she slowly removed her necklace and slung the new addition to it with careful pointedness. His eyes were burning with emotion, understanding the importance of this ceremony._

" _Thank you," she whispered in his ear as she kissed his cheek, holding herself there for a moment, letting everything wash over her._

" _Kate, what happens now?"_

 _She took a deep breath before pulling away from their embrace. "I'm heading to DC and it's going to be with or without-"_

" _Without me? Kate, I said I'd follow you wherever you choose, and I'm going to hold to that," he pressed sincerely, the hurt bursting in his eyes._

" _Why?"_

 _Confusion flitted across his face. She re-gathered her thoughts, and asked the burning question she'd been holding in since the proposal._

" _Why now, Rick? Why not propose last week, or next month? Why now? Because it seems a whole hell lot like an ultimatum here." She watched his face carefully as he digested her words. He seemed stunned and then resigned. Her heart plummeted._

" _You want to know the truth Kate?" his eyes flashing with sudden anger._

" _That wouldn't be out of order," she sniped, crossing her arms defensively._

" _I bought that ring six months ago."_

 _Her bubbling anger vanished at his confession, confusion filling its place._

" _Why?"_

" _Damnit Kate because I love you and ever since you had to stay with me for a week while Meredith was here, I thought hell, if we can survive Meredith and not to mention a whole lot of other things, then we can do this, and I want you here. To stay. But I never knew when to bring it up, Kate. I was going at your pace, waiting, just waiting for the word on when you wanted to take the next step."_

" _But I did ask you! After the Vaughn case, and I said, and I quote, "Where are we going?" and you said, and I quote, "To the bedroom."" She protested loudly._

" _How was I supposed to know what you meant by that? You could've pushed, you know, and said, "No, Castle, I meant us." As you might've noticed I'm not the poster child of relationships here. Divorced twice, remember?" he yelled right back, waving his arms excitedly._

" _Well, I'm no picnic either!"_

" _You don't think I don't know that? Hell, we both have a mountain of baggage, but you know what our problem is?"_

" _Do tell."_

" _We never talk about anything." He seethed, talking predatory steps closer to her, moving into her space._

 _She'd never seen him this angry before. All of their other fights seemed trivial and petty in comparison._

 _He kept going. "But I'll tell you what. I'll tell you exactly how I feel. Hurt and pissed. It hurts so much that you didn't tell me about the job offer."_

" _But I-"_

" _No buts. Just because you thought you weren't going to get it doesn't change anything. It's the fact that you thought I was not important enough to even tell. Who else knew?"_

 _She didn't respond._

" _Kate, who else knew?" he spat, barely concealing his frustration._

" _Lanie and Dad," she admitted unwillingly._

" _I see. What did they say?" he asked, suddenly calm._

" _They persuaded me to do what I think is the best for me."_

" _Uh huh and including me in this decision didn't arise at any point?"_

" _Of course you did! You were the only reason I was holding back and unsure of what to do. God, Castle, you're the most important person in my life, but I didn't know where we stood. I thought maybe if we did take a step further, then it wouldn't work out because what if the only thing we fell in love with was the dance?"_

" _The da-the_ dance _?" he exclaimed, "You've got to be kidding me, Kate." He ran his hands through his hair, agitated. "If "this" was just a dance Kate, then I'd have left long ago. And geez Kate, it was_ you _; first and foremost, I fell in love with. I won't stop loving you. No matter how much you hurt me, or I hurt you, so help me, I just can't seem to stop."_

The rest of her memory of the moment was all a blur, but she does remember kissing him hard and desperate, her body flaring at his responding touch. Clothes were pushed aside and quick, shallow kisses shared as their heavy breathing matched the quick and rough pace of their rhythmic bodies. It had ended all too quickly. More accusations had been thrown, along with a book, but she's not sure who threw what at whom. Someone yelled it was over and she walked out, without jacket or shoes, slamming the door behind her, and packed her things.

And that was the end of it.

He'd always fought for her, for them, and now he had stopped because she was too stubborn, always resisting, and too afraid of too serious. It was time for her to fight.

* * *

A/N:Thoughts?


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Many thanks to those who left nice reviews and decided to follow this story!**

* * *

She didn't know what possessed her, but she had unearthed Royce's letter, hidden in one of her Nikki Heat books, and scanned Royce's scrawl until she found what she was looking for.

 _It's clear what you and Castle have is real. And you're fighting it. Trust me. Putting the job ahead of your heart is a mistake. Risking our hearts is why were alive. The last thing you want to do in your life is look back and wonder if only._

Her eyes blurred with sudden tears, the weight of what she had done shredding through her.

She crumpled up the letter and threw it at the wall in frustration. She lied to him, and then left. What was wrong with her?

The job had been a part of her for so long. Finding her mother's killer had been her motivation, her passion. A federal pass had been the golden ticket to garnering firepower to bring down the senator. It was the deep-seated need for closure that pushed her to accept DC.

But her old routines wretched themselves from their hiding places and engulfed her into the worn circle of eat, sleep, and solve. The rest of the world blurred away when her mind was set on a case, always looking for the odd sock, never taking a break. Sleepless nights and empty stomachs became her constant companions because no one told her to take a break. No one stopped her from falling headlong into the rabbit hole.

She thought of all the people throughout the years who had a part in showing her that her life was more than her grief.

Royce had shown her the ropes, bringing back a little humor into her life and the ability to find love again. But he left her. Broke her heart.

Montgomery guided her, helping her become the one who honored the victims. But he left, too.

Kev and Javi always had her back when things got rough, helping her fight in what she believed in. Lanie, her best friend, knew her darkest secrets and supported her, knocking sense into her when emotions clouded her judgment. But she left them. She hurt them, too.

And God, Castle. He was different. She pushed him away, but he always came back. He took care of her, feeding her when she didn't know she was hungry, forcing her to sleep when she hadn't noticed the time. He buoyed her spirits when a case turned tough. He stayed, and this time, she left him.

But she came back.

Because the heart wants what the heart wants. He'd taught her that. He believed in her when others didn't. He showed her magic. He squirmed, wiggled, and weaseled his way past her wall, and found a place in her world and somehow pulled her into his. Inexplicably intertwined. Damn, she loved him—the stupid, incredible fool who followed her even when she told him not to because he was there for her, always. She just wished she'd opened her eyes sooner. Before their history had become riddled with too many complications and crossed signals.

Before she left.

But so help her, she still wanted him. She wanted more. He had given her the chance, but she'd been the goddamn fool who ran. She'd broken them one too many times and didn't think she'd be able to fix it this time.

Glue and a whole lot of duct tape weren't going to cut it.

She didn't have the courage to do this. To emotionally strip herself naked and reveal the ugly parts.

No. She had killed crooks, put villains behind bars, and escaped one too many scrapes with death to back down. She could do this.

Fierce. Remarkable. Extraordinary.

Words.

Words that Castle believed in and breathed into her.

They tasted false on her tongue, as if she'd failed him.

But she wanted with all her heart for him to see those words in her again. To be his inspiration. To be the person he believed her to be. To be the one he loved.

Or loves. She hopes to God, present tense.

And she was going to fight for him. Fight for his words.

* * *

She was on her way to see him. To tell him how she felt.

In the taxi, she mulled over what she would say, how he would react, and she was discouraged by the scenes playing out in her head. _If only._ If only she'd stayed. If only he'd understood why she'd left. If only…

Her hand was steady as she rapped three times on the loft's door, her heart bursting and adrenaline pumping.

Light footsteps sounded their way to the door and with a quiet click, the door whooshed open, revealing a slightly mussed Alexis dressed in pajamas and toting a sloppy bun.

Alexis stared at her, mouth gaping open before composing a poker face and crossing her arms defensively.

"What are you doing here?"

Kate's palms were sweating. She hadn't been prepared for this. She had been foolish enough to think Castle would be alone. She was not ready for this conversation.

Kate cleared her throat, looking down at her hands, playing with her fingers, before meeting Alexis' judging eye.

"I-um, I wanted to talk to your father, but um-"

"I think you and my father have talked enough, Detective, or is it Special Agent, now?" Alexis sneered with obvious distaste.

"Uh, Detective, again, actually," Kate managed, discomfort evident in her tone.

Alexis dropped her protective stance and stared at her in shock.

"You're back? How long?"

"Funny. Your father asked me the same exact thing."

"You've seen my dad? He knows?"

"Yeah, um, Alexis, listen. I messed up and I just want to apologize for not only hurting your dad, but you. I forgot about your feelings as part in all of this, and I truly regret my actions. I just-"she puffed air through her cheeks in quiet frustration, "I just want to say sorry. I know that's not enough, but it's all I can give right now."

The redhead's eyebrows had skirted high in surprise and her features softened and approval emanated from the quick, faint smile she flashed the detective's way, but a quiet anger lingered in her stiff posture.

"Thank you." She nodded her head, and rubbed a hand against her arm, as if she were suddenly self-conscious. "Look. The only thing I can tell you is my dad isn't here and he probably wouldn't want to talk you anyway. I'm sorry for the way things turned out, but I think it would be better if you left my dad alone for now."

Kate's resolve was quickly dissolving at Alexis' careful, pointed statement.

Alexis seemed to sense her sudden despair and looked away embarrassed.

"Thanks Alexis," she muttered stoically and turned away, hearing the door close with a soft snick behind her. Her heart plummeted. She leaned against the wall, resigned. Alexis was probably right.

 _No._ She'd been gone for a month and left him hanging for two. No running away. Fight.

She grimaced as she pushed herself off the wall. Where could he be?

She barely heard the faint ding of the elevator's arrival, distracted from her thoughts.

"Katherine?"

Dazed, Kate stared at Martha in wonder and before she knew it was being engulfed in a fierce hug from the actress. She returned the embrace with a warm press of her arms, but was puzzled by Martha's enthusiasm.

"Aren't you mad at me?"

"Good Lord, whatever for?"

"For leaving? For breaking your son's heart?" she rushed confusion and guilt clouding her features.

"I don't blame you for chasing your ambition, Katherine. Besides, it's not like he was trying to put a ring on your finger, right kiddo?"

And that's when it became clear to her, a horrible feeling washing through her. He hadn't told them about the proposal.

"But Martha, he was." She pulled out her necklace, the ring shimmering in the dimly-lit hall.

The actress held her surprise well, but the shock and disbelief showed in her eyes.

"Katherine, what did you do?"

And that's when her dam broke, the harrowing emotions of the day poured through, and the tears and words flew from her, unbidden.

"Martha, I don't know. I broke us. I hurt him and I regret leaving and-" she hiccupped, tears clogging her throat, "I still love him." The tears trekked down her cheeks as she wrung her hands together, looking down at her feet.

"Oh, kiddo, come here." Her arms enveloped Kate's sobbing form and hummed soothing tones into her ear.

Kate's crying subsided, and she pulled away from the embrace, pushing away tears in sudden embarrassment.

"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I'm so-"

"If you say sorry one more time Katherine Beckett, I will walk away. You are a strong, independent woman. I'll admit you made a mistake, but if you still love him, then I'm sure as hell you can get him back, if that's what you want, that is."

She nodded her head vigorously, her voice lost for the moment.

"Then I strongly suggest you find him and tell him that."

"That was the plan." She smiled weakly and nervously shoved a lock of hair behind her ear.

"Good." Martha smiled warmly and nodded her head before walking to the door.

Kate, feeling lighter than she had in months, nodded back and pressed the button for the elevator.

"Good luck," she said, waving her hand with a dramatic flair before disappearing from view.

Kate stepped onto the elevator. Filled with Martha's blessing, her mind cleared.

An errant thought popped into her head, and suddenly, she had a strong feeling she knew exactly where he was.

* * *

The Old Haunt was bustling with the late night crowd, the piano playing smooth, melodious jazz as people, slightly buzzed from the good stuff, wobbled on the dance floor, trilling laughs and murmuring voices spilling from their lips.

Samuel, the night bartender, recognized her, a huge grin playing on his face as he beckoned her over with a wave of his rag.

At the bar, she leaned over, placing her elbows on the recently polished counter.

"How've you been, Sam?" she offered politely, flashing him a ready smile.

"Good. Great! Where ya been? The boss seems mighty sad these days. Thought you mighta given him the boot."

"That about sums it up."

"Nah, you guys were great, what happened? If ya don't mind my pryin'?"

She gave him a wry smile, but settled down to sit. Something about his inviting nature and harmonic Irish cadence warmed her into opening up to him.

"Well, it's a long story, but I accepted a job down in DC, working with the Feds-"

"The Feds? That don't sound like no fun miss."

"They have really cool gadgets."

Sam bellowed with laughter. "Can't argue that."

She chuckled lightly. "Well, yeah, that was fun. But the rest of it wasn't. It just didn't feel right. I missed everyone."

"Aw, did ya miss me, darlin'?"

"How could I not?"

Sam chortled and flicked her shoulders with his rag.

"Stop 'ur teasin'."

She smiled.

"Thanks Sam."

"Anytime, darlin'. Hey, whatchya doin' here anyhow?"

"To find Rick, actually. Have you seen him lately? I wanted to talk to him."

Sam gave her a knowing look.

"I think I saw him slip to the basement earlier. Hasn't come out since."

"Thank you."

"I hope I'll see ya 'round more often miss."

"Me too, Sam. " He flashed her a wink and continued wiping down glasses before a customer stole his attention.

She maneuvered her way through the pulsing crowd to the basement door and noiselessly turned the secret light switch. The concealed door slid to the side with a slight creak, and she took a tentative step down the steep stairs leading down to the office. With a soft click the door closed behind her, causing her to jump a little.

"Castle?" she called out softly, not spotting him for her perch on the stairs.

"Who's there?" his muffled voice returned.

She flitted down the rest of the steps and quickly stopped as she saw him slumped over on his desk, the rest of him askew in his favorite poofy desk chair.

"It's me."

His head lifted slowly from his arm pillow and found her.

"You shouldn't be here," he said, his tone ice-cold.

"I know."

His face flashed with surprise, but he covered it quickly and stood up, stepping around the desk. He leaned against the corner, crossing his arms, reminiscent of his angry daughter.

"Well, what are you doing here?" he asked, his voice loaded with burning frustration.

"To fight."

"To fight? Well, I'm pretty pissed, so-"

"No, I mean fight for you."

He stilled.

"What?"

"I'm here to apologize. To say I regret everything and I made a mistake and-" she paused, gauging his reaction, his face clean of any emotion, " I miss you."

"You miss me?" he scoffed. "Sure have a funny way of showing it," he muttered.

"Hey! You know, you could've picked up the phone, too! This isn't all on me," she shouted, his boyish sneering sparking her sudden anger.

He pushed off the desk and took a few steps towards her. "No. You're right. This is my entire fault. Like always. I'm the one who screwed up. I'm so sorry, Beckett," he spat sarcastically.

It was as if he'd slapped her across the face and punched her in the gut.

"Castle, stop," she pleaded, tears crowding her eyes. "What happened to us? We hurt each other by not talking in the first place and then we messed up again with another silent summer. I don't want any more of those. Do you?" she challenged, slightly breathless.

He seemed startled, his anger forgotten, resignation washing his features.

"No, I don't. But I also can't do this right now. I need some time to think."

She nodded, looking away to hide the tears that had spilled over, his rejection cracking her tight resolve.

His voice softened, "Kate, look at me."

She glanced back at him, curious, brushing away the drops staining her cheeks.

"I'm glad you came to apologize, but I'm hurt and being around you hurts right now," he expressed honestly, "and I just need time, ok?"

"How much time?" she asked, playing the echo of his own words.

"I don't know. Just time to process everything."

"Sure." She turned to leave.

"Kate, wait." She stopped, bewilderment showing on her face. "Why did you come back?"

"The heart wants what the hearts wants," she replied, knowing he would understand the depth of those words. "And I missed the coffee," she added quickly, hoping she could sneak a smile from him.

"Yeah," he replied, granting her with a small smile, but his eyes were unsure.

"What?" she prodded carefully.

"It's just—well, I guess what I'm trying to say is, why now? Why didn't you tell me you came back? Why wait two months? Why keep it a secret?"

It still hit her in the chest with an ache. The fact that she was a coward and selfish, and unable to push past the instinct of running away.

"I was scared, Castle. I'd given up everything we had because this job seemed like where my life had been heading for so many years. The job was all I knew before you came along, but it doesn't justify the fact that I wasn't brave enough to pick up the phone and call you. I didn't let the boys tell you because I was selfish, and I was hiding in my fears," she paused, sucking in a breath.

"I came back for you, Castle. But I just didn't think you'd want me to," she finished, trying to fight back the sudden push of tears.

Shock flared in his expression, her honest admission startling him. The anger in his eyes dimmed, a softer, unreadable one shining through.

"You threw a book at me," he finally replied.

"What?" she asked, relief and confusion swirling in her gut.

"The last time at the loft. When we fought and you left, you threw a book at me," he answered calmly, a small smile starting to form at the corner of his mouth.

She covered her fingers over her mouth, remembering suddenly. "Oh, I did, didn't I?" she said, laughter bubbling up her throat.

"Yup, straight at my head. Left a little scar as a friendly reminder," he said, almost chuckling at the thought.

She pressed her lips into a self-deprecating smile, warmth unfurling in her chest. For a moment, it felt like them again.

His eyes twinkled, and her heart surged out of her chest, inflating with hope. But it disappeared as his expression changed, growing serious.

"Kate, I know you. I know you have a wall inside of you. You don't let people in, not even the people that love you," he said, pain shuttering in his eyes, "I had to scratch and claw just to get past it, and you still didn't completely trust me," he said brokenly.

It felt like the air had been sucked from her lungs, and she couldn't breath.

"Castle, I trust you with my life."

"What about your heart, Kate?" He looked at her, the hurt in his eyes almost swallowing her whole.

"You're the only one I ever trusted it with," she said, barely whispering, her heart breaking open.

His eyes softened, but he still looked lost. As if he didn't know how to respond. As if he didn't love her anymore.

"Kate, you should go," he said hoarsely.

She felt a stab in her chest, her heart cleaving in two.

"Castle, I-"

"I need some space, Beckett."

The slap of her surname silenced her, and she nodded her head. She bit her lip in an attempt to stem the flow of tears slipping from the corner of her eyes.

It was over. She turned to leave, drained and empty.

At the top of the stairs, she glanced back and caught him looking at her, a sad smile flitting at his mouth.

"I'm not done fighting for you, Castle. But I'll wait," she promised.

"Bye, Kate."

 _Kate._ Hope flickered in her chest.

"Bye, Castle."

She pushed through the hidden door, slipping into the empty hallway.

He just needed some space and time. She could do that. She took a deep breath, calming herself, the tears finally abating.

She'd wait.

* * *

 **A/N: TBC…**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Hoo boy, it's been a while. As the world's worst updater, I profusely apologize to anyone sincerely following this story. The good news is, I found not only this chapter, but the next one on my computer, and the epilogue is half-written, so there won't be such a huge gap between updates this time.**

* * *

Two weeks slipped by. No word. No calls. Not even a text.

It was harder now. Before, she'd had the small, strange comfort of knowing he was mad at her. After seeing him, seeing what she had done, what she had ruined, killed her. Now, it was as if she were waiting for the other shoe to drop, for everything to implode and shatter in its fragile state.

It was agonizing and she had a hard time concentrating on cases, feeling like she was missing something, like there was something she should do.

She was getting a fresh dose of caffeine when she stopped. It clicked. Of course. He wanted her to push. Because that's what they did: push and pull, poke and prod. Silence was their poison. Space was their enemy. Timing—their utter downfall.

She needed to see him.

* * *

She'd brought the cup, though she's not entirely sure why. Maybe as a peace offering of sorts or as an unconscious message screaming I love you. She knocked, nervous butterflies swarming in her stomach. She waited. No one came.

It was a Friday night; he was probably out with his family. She didn't like to think of the alternative. A brief picture of a busty blonde draped on his arm flashed before her eyes. Ugh. Ok. Calm, Kate, she told herself. This isn't bad. Just leave him a note. _Words._

Words were their foundation, where they connected with verbal sparring, coy remarks, and scribbled love notes. Novels and stories spun around their unorthodox partnership; a romance borne of words. Ironically, a lack of them also tore them apart. She searched her pockets for a scrap of paper and pen. She found some, an old habit of being a writer's girlfriend she thought wryly. She penned something from her heart, honest and direct.

 _Someone once told me putting the job ahead of my heart is a mistake. Good advice. If only I'd listened, then I probably wouldn't have broken us. We weren't perfect. We had problems. But Castle we were great. Still can be. We can't be 'fixed' but maybe we can find ourselves again: together. I've already wasted time. I'm pushing, Rick. I'm missing my partner. Please._

She curled up the note, placing it inside the cup and set it in front of the door. She took a deep breath and left. It was something—a start.

But they were far from the finish line.

* * *

The first day she wanted to rush back to the loft and take the note back. Tell it to him herself.

The second day she was afraid he hadn't seen it. Why didn't he call her? Was she supposed to call him?

The third day she nearly gave up hope until she walked into the precinct.

His booming laughter pierced the air and she snapped her head to see him sitting in his chair, surrounded by the boys.

He's here. He's here! Her heart was rejoicing wildly and she was sure a big, dopey grin was painted on her face, but she didn't care. He was here.

As she approached him, the boys grew silent and he finally, _finally,_ tilted his gaze to meet her. His grin fell, but his eyes drank her in, sipping at her disheveled appearance and tasting her expression.

He looked good. He'd shaved and was wearing a sport's jacket, which clung to his broad chest. He looked really good. She noticed something in the corner of her eye: the blue coffee cup. Tendrils of steam curled away from the hot coffee, and her heart swelled. Maybe there was hope.

The boys scampered, sensing they were interrupting a private moment.

"Hey," she exhaled breathlessly.

"Hi," he returned, a small smile playing at his lips.

"You look good."

"Alexis said I was starting to smell."

"I don't know, I kind of liked the five o'clock shadow look, very rugged."

He grinned, but it didn't reach his eyes and she noticed the bags underneath them. He looked tired, exhausted even. She knew it couldn't have been easy for him to come back after the way she'd treated him.

"So...I pushed."

"You pushed."

"And you're here."

"I'm here." He stared at her calmly. It was almost infuriating, but she pushed, and he came. The ball was in her court. Her turn.

"Thank you."

"Nothing to it," he said glibly, sucking in a breath and breaking out a strained smile. She bit her lip, then, not knowing what to say. All the waiting and thinking about them and suddenly she forget what she was supposed to say.

She traced her fingers around the rim of her coffee cop, moving to wrap them around the curved handle. It felt like a piece of home. She took a sip of the coffee he'd made for her, savoring the rich, warm feel of it sliding down her throat.

"Oh god, that's the stuff," she moaned quietly, her eyes fluttering.

Castle stared at her, his eyes flashing with a sudden want. She caught his heated gaze and warmth coiled in her abdomen, burning for his touch. She coughed, setting her cup down, pressing down the urge to kiss him senseless.

"We should talk. Observation?" she suggested.

"Observation." He acquiesced, moving quickly from his chair.

She stopped by Ryan's desk, quietly asking him if he could make sure no one walked in on them. Ryan nodded, barely concealing his knowing smile.

"Shut up," she whispered loudly at his suggestive glance. "We're just going to talk."

"Is that what the cool kids are calling it these days?"

"Just keep a look-out, Honeymilk."

She snickered softly at his miffed expression.

She entered the dimly-lit Observation room and immediately spotted Castle's large form slouching in the corner.

The sharp click of the closing door startled both of them, interrupting the quiet silence. Beckett cleared her throat.

"Did you, uh, get my—"

"Note? Yeah." A crinkling sound followed his words as he extracted the note from his pocket, smoothing it over on his leg, his eyes quickly scanning her scrawl.

"I mean it. I want to work on us."

He looked at her like he wanted to believe her.

"How did we get here, Kate? "

"I messed up. I put you on the backburner and pursued my own future—"

"But you see, that's just it Kate. _You_. It's all about Kate. _Your_ life, _your_ future. When was I cut out of the picture?"

"You were always a part of the picture. I just—I'm selfish. I'm afraid. I push people away. I run. It's what I do. But I want to change, for you. I—"

"Kate—"

"No, let me finish. I've never loved someone so much as I do you. It's frightening. I want you all the time. I need you all the time. I am so scared something will happen to you, and if it does, I'll never be able to recover. And I don't know. Running away hurt, but I could live with the fact because you were safe. I could stop hurting you because you were alive. I know that sounds stup—"

His lips were on her before she could finish. His hands cupped her face gently, his mouth caressing hers with tenderness, utterly destroying her.

She clung to him, deepening the kiss, letting herself go.

He pulled away all too quickly, leaving her gasping for air. He pushed her away as if burned.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."

Her heart stopped. "Why?"

His face hardened. "I was just caught up in the moment."

"Rick, I'm trying really hard here. I want this to work. I want to be happy. You make me happy."

"Then why did you leave?"

"Because I didn't want to hurt you. I wanted you to be saf—"

"Too late, Beckett. And we both know that's not why you left."

"It was part of the reason."

"Ok, what's the rest of it?"

"I was so mad, Castle. You proposed and said you'd follow me. You said no matter what, you would go wherever I chose. We had a huge fight and I don't even remember anymore who said what, but I left…and you didn't follow me."

"But how—"

"I assumed you didn't want anything to do with me. I concentrated on the job—took every spare minute throwing myself into a case."

"Kate, I didn't—"

"Bracken, Rick. I want to bring him down. This was my chance. I had more power, more leverage, and more avenues of investigation. I don't want to keep looking over my shoulder and fearing for the lives of the people I care about. For the people I love."

His expression softened, but he looked away.

"Kate, how am I supposed to trust you anymore? How can I know that you won't just pick up and leave because you don't know what you want? How can I know you won't hurt me again?" His fears spooled from him, leaving her dizzy.

"You can start by trusting me again. By believing that I love you, Rick. You can start by being my partner, and I'll be yours."

"Kate, there's nothing I'd like more, but—"

"But what?"

"I don't know what I want anymore."

Her heart dropped into her stomach. Everything inside her shattered, an icy feeling running through her veins.

"Castle, do you lo…" she trailed off, too afraid to put it too words, afraid of what he might answer, dread leeching through her.

His eyes were unreadable, her note clenched in his hand.

"Kate, I love you with every fiber of my being, but maybe that's my mistake. I can't live my life without you. What does that make me? Weak? A writer without his muse?"

Tears threatened to choke her. She was so relieved, but his words sliced through her. Loving her was his mistake?

"Castle, how can you even say that? You're the strongest person I know. You push me when no one can. I only feel safe with you having my back. I came back because I know now that I can't live without you either. It doesn't make you weak. It makes me weak because I was too scared of forever. You're the only person I'd do it with, but I was scared out of my mind."

"Why?"

"Because I wasn't ready. Hell, we'd been having problems; I didn't feel needed from you. It was all so mixed up because we didn't talk. How were we supposed to start a life together when I wasn't sure?"

"We'd have made it work. Because that's what we do."

"I realize that now," she said softly.

She looked at him, full of regret, her eyes pleading.

He sighed, raking his hands through his hair, avoiding her gaze.

"Rick—"

"I need a few days to think about it, Kate," he said.

Her heart pounded. No. No, he couldn't leave.

"Work this case with me," she blurted.

His eyes widened, but sparked with interest.

"Ok," he agreed hesitantly.

"Yeah?" she breathed hopefully.

"Yes," he replied, a small smile sprouting on his lips.

"Partners?" she asked, holding her hand out for a shake.

His warm hand slipped into her hers, reassuring and soft.

"Partners."

* * *

 **A/N: Thoughts?**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Thanks for the nice reviews!**

* * *

"So we know the vic was single. Ex-wife confirms he lost his job a couple months back. Company had to make some cuts," Esposito rattled off.

"Have you checked financials?" She asked.

"Still waiting on some calls, but Ryan's checking the surveillance from the park."

"Good. Keep me updated."

He nodded, returning to his desk.

She picked up a marker and wrote unemployed/fired underneath the vic's photo, capping the marker forcefully when she was finished. Castle hadn't said anything.

She finally turned to face him, her hands stretching down her side in agitation. His expression was blank and his posture defeated.

"So, what do you think?" she prompted, waving a hand at the board.

"There's not much to think about is there," he deadpanned.

"What? No mobsters or spies?" she asked.

"I'm sure you can think of something," he retorted.

"I'm sorry. I just thought—" she trailed off, sighing. She bit her lip to stop the tears that threatened to choke her. Why was this so hard? Being them used to be as easy as breathing air.

As if sensing her disappointment, he shifted uncomfortably and looked ashamed.

"No, Kate, wait. I'm just trying to get used to this again. And it's not going to be easy. Despite the space you gave me, I'm having trouble letting it all go." He rubbed a hand across his face, weariness etched in his every movement.

She moved next to him, leaning against the desk and slipped her hand into his.

"It's ok," she murmured, squeezing his fingers lightly.

"I missed you," he whispered brokenly.

She snapped her eyes to his, surprised at his sudden admission. Hope sparked in her chest.

"Worst three months of my life." She gazed at him imploringly, pressing her words into his skin as she intertwined her fingers with his more tightly.

He choked out a rough laugh, tears crowding the corners of his eyes. Relief sagged in his shoulders.

She smiled wryly.

"Castle, I—"

"I got a visual on surveillance," said Ryan eagerly as he slapped a picture of a blurry figure onto the board. The excitement of his discovery dimmed when he noticed their expressions and intertwined fingers.

"Maybe I should come back," he said, a knowing look on his face.

She shook her head, exasperated, and nodded at the picture. "What do you got?" she asked seriously, her hand still grasped in Castle's.

"The time stamp on this photo indicates 10: 47 PM," he started and she immediately added, "Which falls right into our TOD window."

Ryan nodded, moving to change the information on the board.

"Where was the shot taken? And is that our vic in the photo?" Castle asked, his hand warm against hers.

"Ah, very pertinent questions, Castle," Ryan said, smiling slightly at his contribution. "I pulled the shot from a surveillance cam at the Frick Collection."

"No way! The mansion-turned-art-museum?" Castle interrupted excitedly.

"The very one," Ryan said good-naturedly. "Had to get a warrant, but since it was right across from our crime scene, the curators didn't mind."

"While you too are playing art enthusiasts, our killer is getting further and further away."

"Who invited Miss Logic?" asked Castle, mirth sparkling in his eye as he flashed a grin at Ryan.

Ryan glanced cautiously at her, but returned Castle's grin at her gentle nod.

"Anyway, the person in the photo is our perp."

"How can you tell?" she asked, squinting at the hazy outline of a figure.

"Near the crime scene. Within TOD window. And not wearing the clothes our vic was found in," Ryan listed, ticking each point off his finger.

"Good to see I'm not the only one with logic," she said wryly, rolling her eyes at Castle.

Ryan grinned as Castle scoffed.

"Anything else, Kev?"

"I'll see if I can find a clearer shot, so that we can get an APB," he responded.

"Talk to Tori. She should be able to help you with that," she said.

"On it," he replied with a short nod.

As Ryan left them alone, Castle slipped his hand out of her grasp and walked up to the board, inspecting it.

Though she already missed the warmth of his touch, her heart sped up as he became familiar with the case. It felt like it could be like it used to. He would throw out his theory, and she would shoot it down with a smile.

"So what's the Peanut Gallery thought of?" She probed.

"Funny," he threw back, a slight smile edging at the corner of his mouth, "But I think we'll find our odd sock yet."

A trickle of warmth flowed through her. Odd sock. That was Nikki Heat's personal quip—something that had somehow become theirs.

"A night shooting in the park seems awfully cliché," he remarked, a slight pout flirting on his lips.

"You writers—always looking for originality," she smirked, "Murderers usually just look for opportunity."

"Which means our perp had to know our vic was in the park, or maybe even knew him and planned the whole meet and greet, which took a harrowing turn for the worse," he theorized, a light sparking in his eyes.

"Not bad, I'll have Espo look for the vic's datebook, but I'm thinking our killer was more methodical—he most likely trailed our vic's habits. The grouped shots show he's a skilled marksman, and the relatively close range and shots in the head indicate a more personal attachment," she assessed.

"Looks like the AG's office is missing a valuable asset," he said quietly, his gaze fixated on the board.

"I'm not missing them any," she responded, touching her hand to his cheek trying to telegraph the depth of her statement through her touch. "I regret ever leaving," she murmured softly, finding his eyes when he finally looked at her. The fathomless ocean of blue almost swallowed her whole with the sadness and yearning she saw there. She'd do anything to see his trademark twinkle.

"Kate, is this enough for you? Are you happy here?"

"Castle, I—"

"Got a pop on financials," interrupted Esposito, "Mr. Walters here," he said tapping the vic's picture, "made a $25,000 deposit a week before, and—" he looked up as if he registered the charged atmosphere. "Oh, sorry, I'll just—" he managed.

Beckett deflated. "It's fine, Javi."

"Right, so the 25 thou came from a company called Greene Solutions, but I looked into it and they don't exist."

"But he lost his job, where did the money come from?" Castle asked.

Beckett and Esposito looked at each knowingly.

"Shell company. Large Deposits," Castle snapped his fingers together excitedly, "Laundering! He was laundering money."

She smiled. "Gold star for Writer Boy."

"Writer _Man_. Of that I assure you," he said, waggling his eyebrows.

"And that's my cue to leave," Esposito said, shaking his head.

Beckett laughed, freeing the weight sitting on her chest. It felt like it used to for a moment. She turned to Castle, but stopped short at the look on his face.

"Castle, what's wrong?"

"I can't do this, Kate. I can't just jump back into this like nothing happened. It hurts."

Her heart dropped into her stomach, and the weight returned to the middle of her chest. She felt like she couldn't breath.

"I thought being back might make things clearer for me, but I'm not sure anymore."

She nodded silently, too afraid to speak, afraid she'd say the wrong thing and ruin any progress they had managed to make.

He gave her a beseeching smile as if to apologize.

She wanted to laugh at that. Of course he would feel like it was his fault.

"I understand, Castle. I'm sorry for springing this on you," she said, her voice barely quavering. She was trying so hard not to break down in front of him.

"It's not you, Kate. I just need some more time to process. I'll call you?" _It's not you, it's me._ Why did it sound like he was breaking up with her? Which didn't make sense because they weren't really back together. The weight on her chest felt heavier.

She nodded again, smiling to hide the tears welling up in her eyes. "Sure."

He squeezed her hand and shot her a grateful smile.

"I'll see you later," he said warmly.

She gave him a little wave, maintaining her smile as he walked out of the precinct and into the elevator.

When the elevator doors slid closed, she let out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding in and let the tears fall down her face. She raised her face to the ceiling to stop the flow, quickly wiping at her eyes. She had to keep it together. There was still a case to solve.

She stopped by her desk and picked up the blue coffee cup to take a sip and spluttered. It had grown cold.

"How fitting," she muttered.

"Hey Espo, call the ex-wife again. I want to see if she knew anything about our vic's laundering," she shouted across the bullpen.

Esposito nodded at her, picking up his phone immediately.

She turned to the murder board and scanned the new information, trying to forget Castle's words.

Solve the case, get justice for the victim. She repeated the mantra until her shift ended, and then she fished her cellphone out of her bag, dialing Lanie's number.

"I need a drink. Do you want to go out tonight?"

* * *

 **A/N: Thoughts?**


End file.
